The Beach Boogie Cookbook

by Brian Lloyd

Recipe 1 : Rena's Marmite Sandwiches

Ingredients:

• Guests

Step 1: Invite guests to chalet for marmite sandwiches.

Step 2: Ask them to bring their own bread.

Step 3: And marmite.

Step 4: Ask them to make the sandwiches themselves.

Recipe 2 : Katherine's Stuffing

Ingredients:

• 1 x packet of stuffing mix

Step 1: Make up stuffing mix according to instructions on the packet.

Step 2: Find that the oven is full of chicken and potatoes, so put the stuffing in the grill instead and leave on highest heat setting for 15 minutes.

Step 3: Remove stuffing from grill and lift off the inch-thick crust (this should be put to one side and used as a frisbee later).

Step 4: Take stuffing to next-door chalet and put it in their oven. Do not bother to check that the power to the oven is on.

Step 5: Return to next-door chalet after 20 minutes, giving the stuffing just enough time to get cold.

Step 6: Put stuffing in own oven while chicken and potatoes are being served at highest heat setting for 10 minutes.

Step 7: Serve.

Recipe 3 : Rena's Chili Potato

Ingredients:

• 1 x 3 day old baked potato
• 1 x can of chili

Step 1: Put out a public invitation asking anyone to come round for lunch.

Step 2: Find a baked potato left over from a wedding barbeque 3 days earlier.

Step 3: Warm up the potato.

Step 4: Open can of chili and warm.

Step 5: Pour chili over potato and serve.

Recipe 4 : Tor's Barbequed Trout

Ingredients:

• 2 x very big trout (gutted but otherwise intact)
• 6 x teams of 6 people
• Several pairs of greased plastic gloves
• 2 x relay courses
• As many water pistols as you can lay your hands on

Step 1: Contrive a very complicated set of rules for how to run a relay race.

Step 2: Have the teams run one relay race each, using the trout as batons, first ensuring that each team member is wearing greased plastic gloves. Ensure that at various stages the trout has to be thrown from one participant to another.

Step 3: Apply large quantities of water during the races to ensure that the trout get dropped a lot.

Step 4: Re-run the races as before, but with each participant only being allowed to use one hang - this makes sure that the trout are dropped and mangled even more.

Step 5: Barbeque the trout and serve.

Ian's Psycho Sangria

Ingredients

• 1 x Banana Liqueur (missing)
• 1 x cheap Brandy (missing)
• 1 x box cheap red wine
• 1 x box orange juice cheap or otherwise
• 1 x bottle very cheap lemonade (19 pence for 2 litres in Safeways!)

Step 1: Discover that Banana Liqueur has run out (should be about 2 fingers in 3-hand jug)

Step 2: Say to self "ah, I know!" and mush up half a banana in splash red wine. Slice remaining banana and add all to jug.

Step 3: Discover that Brandy has also run out (should also use 2 fingers in 3-hand jug). Say to self "oh well, that won't matter".

Step 4: Fill to half full with red wine, to 3 quarters full with orange juice, top with lemonade.

Step 5: Taste sample

Step 6: Stop coughing and gasping for air and leave jug on side. Take 2 bottles of Cava to dinner invitation instead.

Step 7: After long HOT day buy bottle of cheap brandy.

Step 8: Add 5 fingers worth to Sangria

Step 9: Smile with smug satisfaction as BBQ guests exclaim "Whoo, that's a good one Ian!"....

Recipe 3 : Rena's Chili Potato v2

Ingredients:

• 1 x 3 day old baked potato
• 1 x can of chili
• 1 x 4 day old yellow pepper (wrinkly)
• 1 x can squirty cream

Step 1: Put out a public invitation asking anyone to come round for lunch.

Step 2: Find a baked potato left over from a wedding barbeque 3 days earlier.

Step 3: Warm up the potato.

Step 4: Open can of chili and warm.

Step 5: Hand yellow pepper to guest saying "I think this is still alright". Ask them to slice and place on plate.

Step 6: Pour chili over potato.

Step 7: Top chili with squirty cream and serve.

Ian (doesn't chilli have 2 "l"s?)

The Greatest Show on the Isle of Wight

By Andy Lewis

Occasionally, Beach Boogie can get a little intensive, and some of us find a need to find entertainments else where so we can relax and wind down a bit. On doing that, a few of us were lucky and privilaged enough to catch the first showing of the Isle of Wight's new show - Bringing In The Boats at the End of The Day.

The venue is easy to get to - the beach front at around 7pm.

I include the first three scenes of Act One, to give people an idea of what the show is like. Given the popularity and crowd response to this showing, we believe that it will be a regular performance, possibly extending to matinee.

Dramatis Personae:

Running time: an hour and a half (approx)

Act One, Scene One.

Landrover: Enters stage left, performs snazzy skid turn while Helpers are floating the boat onto a trailer.

Helpers: After much confusion, float the boat onto the trailer top.

Landrover: Drives up to trailer, helpers tie the two together.

Landrover: Performs massive wheel-spin, vanishes up to its axles in the sand.
           Much further wheel-spinning, much sand and water sprays everywhere.

Enter Jeep (stage left)

Helpers: tie jeep and landrover together.

Jeep and Landrover: Pull in opposite directions. Much wheel spinning from L.
                   No visible movement.

Jeep: Takes a run-up. Rope snaps.

(applause point)

Exit Jeep (stage left)

Act One, Scene Two.

Enter Tractor (stage left)

Helpers: Tie landrover and tractor together.

Tractor: Wheel-spin, vanishes up to its axles in the sand.

Tractor: Eventually climbs out from hole, pulls landrover free.

Exit landrover, (stage left)

Tractor: Returns to trailer.

Act One, Scene Three.

Helpers: Tie trailer and tractor together

.Tractor: Pulls trailer from under boat (which had not been tied to it)

Staging Note: The tide has now receeded, and the boat is now grounded.

Helpers: Tie boat and tractor together.

Tractor: Starts pulling. Rope snaps.

Helpers: Tie boat and tractor together with stronger rope.

Tractor: Starts pulling. Cleat snaps off boat.

Exit tractor (stage left)

And so on and so forth. I highly recommend that all beach boogiers take some time off to catch this show next year.

Andy

I Will Survive ...?

This is the song that some of us "Full Monty" people sang at the 2nd punters' cabaret, and were asked to repeat on the last night.

Brian

(To the tune of "I Will Survive")

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